The One With the Inbox

Ok, so remember this guy?

I checked my email today, expecting one from a friend of mine, and probably some junk mail and advertisements. Instead - to my complete horror - when I open my inbox, I find the only new email staring back at me is from him. Its been more than a month since I thought I made it clear I had no interest. Zip. Zilch. None. Nada. Zero.

But apparently I underestimate his persistence. And his apparent inability to read even the most obvious signals...such as the words "I don't think this is going anywhere." I'm not sure how to make things clearer.

So, I guess you should plan on updating your address book with my new email address soon...

The One With Sis

Hey sis- I know you read too, so I hope you don't mind. And if you do mind, too bad. Thats life. And sisterhood.

My sister has a blog too. And the other day, I checked out what was new for her and ran across something that can only be described as worthy of a 'sitcom' moment. And so, what better tribute than to include it here, as a guest spot on my own sitcom called life.

Regarding what you are about to read, I can only say better her than me. It takes a stronger soul (and stomach) than I have to handle this. So sis, many props to you for dealing with things like this on a daily basis, and still managing to have and love the cutest kids on the planet. Here's to you!

Without further ado, here is what she wrote:

"I was playing with [my son] tonight, trying to keep him happy. One of his favorite games is to fly over my head while I’m laying on the floor. So I was playing that with him.

And he spit up.

All over my face and neck. And in my hair.

Oh, and in my mouth.

Gross."

Yup, sis...you said it.
Gross.

The One Where Amy Eats Her Veggies

Today I had class. I love having weekend classes because it means only 3 weekends of sessions as opposed to having to attend class every week. However, having to sit in a graduate class all day Saturday can get a little, well, torturous.

Want proof?

Well, today, I was so bored that I was nearly asleep in the back of the room. However, I was awake enough to catch the words "water buffalo" come from my professor's mouth. And what did my tortured mind do?

"Everybody has a water buffalo. Mine is fast and yours is slow..."

And if you have no idea to what i am referring...you have been deeply deprived.

Gotta love the Veggietales for saving a bored soul.

The One With Amy-Clones

Many people have said that teachers have a major influence on America's youth.

And if you know me...that could be a scary thing.

I like to think that at least 97% of the influence I have on my students is positive, but this week i got a glimpse of the other 3%.

If you know me AT ALL, you probably are aware that I have some - well - obsessive/compulsive tendencies. Perhaps they are even more than just tendencies. I guess I just really like things to be in their place. I like pictures to be straight. I like furniture to be at right angles. I like the little chairs in my classroom to be evenly spaced. I even prefer that my clutter be - at the very least - in a nice, straight pile. And I like things to be just so.

This is not normally an issue. When the students are there, I can live with the fact that chairs get moved and aren't always straight. I can handle that the pile of paperwork is messy for a day until I get a chance to straighten it out. I don't mind that the sofa gets moved a little during the day and is no longer perpendicular to the wall. (It just means that I'll straighten that out too when the school day is over).

But this week, when I noticed my class organizing the stacks of chairs by color, I started to get concerned. And then when another student noticed that a different set of lights was on than usual and told me it was "all wrong," I got a little more concerned. And it was a little disconcerting to have a student straightening out all the cards in our game after every turn. But what really put it over the edge was when one of my students spent an extra couple of minutes during clean-up time spacing out the chairs at the snack table.

Apparently, amidst the color games, counting activities, speech development and everything else I think I am teaching, I have found time to create tiny OCD clones of myself.

I kinda like it.

The One When Amy Bakes

It all started so well. But it all ended so very, very bad.

I stopped by Meijer today and picked up a chocolate cake mix and some frosting. I was going to bake a chocolate cake for my classes at school. We are learning about the 'ch' sound this week, so for our "Special Snack" on Friday, I thought CHocolate cake would be great.

Now, despite the fact that I don't do it often, i am good enough at baking to manage creating a good chocolate cake from a box. Now my cake may not have been Martha Stewart-worthy, but it turned out well and it was bound to be delicious.

Since just looking at cake seems to cause some calorie absorption (not to mention licking off the beaters after mixing) I figured I would work out tonight. i headed downstairs and put in a good 6 miles.

But those 6 miles didn't do nearly as much for my heart rate as what i found when I came upstairs.

Apparently, i sometimes forget that I have cats. But they always manage to find ways of reminding me of their presence. This time, they decided to make their existence known by leaving little chocolaty paw prints all over my kitchen counter and floor.

Gee, thanks kitties. i love you too.

So, I guess you know what I'll be doing tomorrow - Baking a cake: Take 2.

The One With Wildlife

I am a champion mouse catcher.

Today, for the second time in my life, I came face to face with the ferocious rodent and prevailed.

Its a good thing too. The mouse was residing in the home of a 97 year old woman...and lets just say she and her walker don't move very fast.

But don't tell the mouse that I was later bested by another four-legged creature: a deer.

Yes, while stopped at a rural stop sign this evening, I had a frightening - albeit brief - encounter with a poorly coordinated deer. No...I did not hit the deer. The deer hit me. In my car. Which wasn't moving.

The sad thing is, the first thing that came to my mind when it happened was, "This happened to Rory once on 'Gilmore Girls!'" Wow. Life really does imitate TV.

The One With Injuries

The Surgeon General does NOT recommend working out on an elliptical machine immediately after waking up from impromptu naps.

Doing so may result in bruising due to grogginess and impaired balance.

The One With Reruns

If I were serious about my life being a TV show, then I would have to call the last few days reruns. And I hate reruns.

It almost feels like the movie "Groundhog Day." Everyday is almost exactly the same. Talk about a routine...I think I've take routine to a whole new level this week. And I'm not the kind of person who normally likes routines - I like a little variation in my days, i like to be spontaneous. But this week has been FAR from spontaneous.
So here's how my days have gone:

1. Alarm goes off...hit snooze at least 4 times until i absolutely HAVE TO get up.
2. Eat cereal...always the same kind.
3. Stay in the hot shower far too long and rush to get ready and get to work on time.
4. Work - very routine by definition as a preschool teacher.
5. Go home and put my pajamas back on.
6. Put some laundry in/load dishwasher or some other household chore.
7. Fall asleep on couch.
8. Wake up and debate for an hour about whether or not to work out.
9. Work out.
10. Feed the cats.
11. Go to bed.

Wow.

It looks even more pathetic when written down.

It seems I've gone from a comedy to the most dull reality show EVER.

The One When Amy Counts her Munchkins Before they Hatched

First day back from Christmas vacation.
As a teacher, I was totally prepared for a little chaos. Afterall, the kids have been home for 16 days. Playing with all their new presents. And eating Christmas cookies.

My morning class is my tougher group. They are younger, and developmentally much further behind than my afternoon group. I know if I can get through the morning, it'll be like cruise-control in the afternoon.

And I was pleasantly surprised. The morning class went right back into the routine of things. We went to circle time and - without me even saying anything - several kiddos raised their hands knowing they wanted a turn to pick a song. Oh, they've learned how things run so well! We had motor group, and oral motor group (in which we got to eat whipped cream - YUM), and snack, etc. It was like they had never been away. I was on a teacher high. I get the last one on the bus, and think "if the morning went that smoothly...the afternoon will be a piece of cake."

Talk about jinxing things.

In my afternoon class - my precious, independent, bright, lovable boys - things take a turn for the worse. In a class of all potty-trained preschoolers, i manage to have 2 pee in their pants. And that's not even the worst of it.

Somehow, a third student manages to not only crap his pants...but he apparently had his shirt tucked INTO his underwear when he did it, so he managed to crap his shirt too.

I know, I know. Someday, when I've had kids of my own, things like this will not phase me in the least.

But for now, I am perfectly content letting shit-smeared shirts continue to make me gag. Thank goodness for kind-hearted assistants.

The One When Amy is All Wet

I know things like this don't just happen to me.
But it sure seems that way.

Today I decided to have a nice lazy Sunday. Tomorrow I have to go back to work, I've been feeling a little under the weather the last few days - time to take one last day of laziness before the busy-ness sets back in.
So, I turned off my alarm and slept late, spent the whole morning in my pajamas and read a little Narnia and watched some Food Network curled up under a blanket on the couch. in my mind...the perfect way to spend a rainy morning.

Well, round-about one or two in the afternoon, I decide that I should really take down the Christmas decorations in my classroom so i don't have to go in early tomorrow to do it. So I hop in the shower.
Since its a lazy day for me, I decide to make it a nice long, hot shower - I'm in no rush. I get some shampoo in my hair.

And then it all goes dark.

Oh, shit. The power has gone out.

Did I see this as a possibility before hopping in the shower? Not really. Afterall, there was no storm going through. Its not all that windy. And despite living in a new construction area, its Sunday, so there is no crew out working that could have dug a power line. Why would I predict the power would go out.

What makes it worse is that, like many people, I have no window in my bathroom. So it is really pitch black. There I am, trying to find the conditioner bottle by feel, hoping and praying that my hot water will last, and silently swearing at whoever might be to blame for this. there was NO way I was going in to school now.

Wet, frizzy hair. Wrapped in a blanket, trying to read by the tiny bit of daylight on this dreary day. Bowl of cereal in hand, since there was virtually no food in the cupboard that didn't require some form of electricity in order to be made edible.

Not how I pictured my lazy Sunday.

The One When Amy Does Some Self-Evaluation

I like to pretend that my life is ridiculous because of the people around me: afterall...its pretty easy to blame family when you have a brother who gets in cupcake wars with you and a nearly 60 yr.old father who just bought himself a playstation 3 (yup...you read right). Not to mention the other strange birds I'm related to.

And besides that, i'm surrounded by students and nieces/nephews that are at a crazy age full of ridiculous behavior.

And my friends are pretty ridiculous.

And the men I've met can be ridiculous.

And i could blame so many groups and organizations for my comedic experiences.


Or, I could suck it up and admit that 90% of the blame for the crazy situations I find myself in belongs to me.


Frankly, I'm weird.
I know it. My family knows it. My friends know it.

And in case for some reason you doubt this, here is the evidence:

-I like Wendy's hamburgers the best...purely because they are square.

-I fantasize about traveling the world with Anthony Bourdain.

-I like cheese. i like meat. Nine times out of ten, putting them together will make me want to gag. I was 22 when I first dared to try a bacon-cheeseburger.

-I frequently laugh out loud when reading, much to the irritation of those around me.

-I think the ketchup that comes in little packets from fast-food restaurants taste better, so I collect them and take them home.

-I don't like apple pie...but I will order it just to eat the crust.

-I have an odd crush on Cesar Millan...and I'm not sure why. (Yes...he's the Dog Whisperer).

-My favorite snack is dry bran flakes. Seriously.

Oh...this is SO just the tip of the iceberg...

The One with Style

Yes, that was me.

It was me that you saw at Meijer at 11pm tonight, buying - of all thing - catfood and contact solution.

With my hair in a haphazard ponytail.
Wearing oversize pajama pants that have Christmas lights on them.

...and a sweatshirt that didn't match.
...and pink/white running shoes.
...and no make-up.
...and, um...maybe no bra :-O
...and old glasses...that my cats have used as a chewing toy in the past.


This would make great "What Not to Wear" secret footage.