The One When Amy Dates a Girl.

Have you ever seen "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days?"


Good movie. Never saw it in the theater or on DVD, but its a Saturday afternoon on cable classic in my mind.

In case you haven't seen it, the premise is this: A female magazine reporter plans to intentionally lose a guy in ten days by making all the stereotypical relationship mistakes women are known for. You could probably guess what some of these 'girly' mistakes are:

-jumping into 'relationship' mode too soon.
-smothering a mate with constant emails/phone calls.
-talking, talking, talking about self, feelings, relationship, etc.
-neediness
-failing to see the signs that "he's just not that into you."

Well, if these erroneous moves in dating are specific to the female gender...I might have just dated a girl.

It all started with the emails. In the very first email he sent me, he wrote, "I wondered if you'd be open to communicating more to see if it might develop into something more serious." Something more serious? After one email? Whoa...lets slow down a little.

And then the emails just kept coming. They were long...they were frequent...and they were all about him. Hobbies, career, interests, childhood memories, reactions to parents' divorce, weekend plans, weekday plans, favorite foods, favorite color (yes...favorite color...) - and almost everything else that I wasn't really interested in and didn't ask about. And my responses? Brief, impersonal and at least a week delayed each time. You'd think he'd get the message.

But no...apparently he read "I have no interest in hearing more about your boat" as "I'm playing hard to get." And he sent more emails...and then came the bombshell: an invitation to coffee. oh....yay. Now I get to listen to him talk about himself in person. yippee.

I ended up going. I was trying to keep an open mind. Despite the relationship neediness that rang loud & clear in each email - and the fact that talking about himself was clearly his favorite pastime - I decided to give him a chance. maybe he would be less irritating in person. Or maybe I am a glutton for punishment.

Here's how the first real date went: He talked about himself (a lot) and what he looks for in a relationship. I sat quietly and looked bored. (and if you know me, you'll know that sitting quietly is not in my nature. but if you can't get a word in edgewise...) At least he was nice to look at. How very superficial of me, i know.

And then...more emails. And more emails. After one date, I felt like I had given him a chance. I wasn't interested. I didn't respond to half of the emails. When I did, it was usually 2 weeks after he emailed me. And it was usually me trying to avoid another date. You would think that he'd realize I had no interest. He apparently had no clue.

For months I was smothered by emails...several per week, even though I only responded to about one-of-five. The only positive thing I can say is that at least they weren't creepy.

Oh, wait. I spoke too soon.

The final email came after I made a grievous error in judgement: i went out to dinner with him again. Pardon me while I beat my head against the wall a few times...

Ok. So, he closes the date by telling me that he is a serious relationship-kind-of-guy. basically, he wants a wife. you know - typical 2nd date kind of talk, right? yikes.

And then comes the email. RIGHT after the date. Yup...thats right...he emailed me as soon as he got home. And fortunately for your reading pleasure, I am terrible about deleting old emails...so here it is (with a little creative commentary from yours truly):

"Hello again Amy, So I guess I am not one to beat around the bush and wait three days to e-mail you... (no, really?)
I really enjoyed getting to know you a bit better. There were so many things i liked about you: [Insert BLAH BLAH BLAH here...though i can't say i disagree with the flattery] I guess I have been in a few relationships, been on a fair number of dates and like to think I make pretty good judgments about people I date, and you really seem to have it together in so many ways. On top of that I like the fact that we can laugh together. (does you laughing at your own jokes really count as laughing together?) What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that even though we've only been out a couple of times, I really think we are perfect together. (ok...this is starting to get a little weird)
So I know you may not be through your busy spell (my favorite excuse...), and I'm not offended that it takes you a long time to respond (this would have been SO much easier for me if you had been offended...) But I am skeptical sometimes on whether or not you have time for a serious relationship with me. (wow...i didn't know we were in a relationship. does 2 dates separated by several months count as a serious relationship?) I suppose, though, that when bitten by love, you'll rearrange your schedule. (speechless. did he really mention love? i'm completely speechless.)
So, when things settle down and you find yourself less busy, feel free to give me a call."

Ok. We've officially crossed the line into creepy.
This is officially done.

So, what was our criteria for being a girl in the dating world again?

Neediness? Check.
Talking, talking, and talking some more - about yourself? Check.
Smothering a mate with emails/phone calls? Check.
Jumping into relationship mode too soon? BIG Check.
Failing to see that she's "just not that into you?" Double Check.

Yup...its official. I just dated a girl.
Her name was Greg.