The One in the Grocery Store

I always thought bad pick-up lines only happened to people who spend their weekends at the local bar hot-spot looking to meet someone (or anyone). Not being one to do that, I have always thought myself safe from the irritating male habit of pathetic pick-ups.

How very naive I was.

So, today I had to run out to get a couple things before the stores all closed for the holiday. Now, mind you, I stopped at Meijer on my way home from taking some pictures at the lake. And conditions at the lake included 40-60mph wind gusts, air temperature of 19degrees and wind chill of 0degrees, 12ft. waves, and occasional sand/snow squalls. So you can bet that by the time I got to Meijer, I was caked in sand, wind-blown and frostbitten. I also hadn't showered yet, and had absolutely no make-up on. I'm pretty sure I hadn't even combed my hair in the morning, not that it would have mattered after my adventures out at the lake. In other words...I looked sexy as hell.

Now, when i go to the grocery store, I'm usually in my own little world. So I was quite startled when a young man, probably just a couple years older than me tapped me on the shoulder. He handed me a folded piece of paper and said,
"I think you dropped this, darling." and walked away.

I opened up the paper and found the following:
"Call me if U R single. ###-####"

Wow. He must either really like the 'sand-covered & frumpy' type, or he's pretty desperate. I'm guessing the latter, and with the stellar pick-up techniques he uses, I'm not too surprised.

But this incident got me thinking: Despite generally avoiding the local bar scene, I've had to suffer through some pathetic pick-up attempts. Why should I keep these ridiculous incidents to myself? So for your reading enjoyment, here are the top 5:

5. While waiting to meet a friend at a local restaurant: "Would you mind if I hit on you while you wait?" Here's a hint: asking permission to hit on someone does not make it any classier.

4. In the grocery store: "Excuse me. I was looking in your cart and you must really know your way around a kitchen. How'd you like to come over sometime and cook something with me?" Oh, sorry...I have a boyfriend. His name? Uh...

3. In the mall, buying a new UofM sweatshirt: "So, is your boyfriend a UofM fan?" No, this is for me. "Well...I went to State, but maybe if you give me your number I could be convinced to cheer for Maize & Blue." Sorry, dude. Michigan doesn't need a fan like you.

2. While laying on the grass, reading at a local park in the summer: "Excuse me. I hope you don't mind me saying, but you have no idea how much I'd like to grab your ass right now." Wow...what a polite way to say something so very offensive.

And the Number One is...
At a bar (yes...I admit I go occasionally): Spills drink on my arm. "I could lick that off for you if you want." Eww. I think I'd rather sit here with half of your beer on my arm than be coated in your saliva. Someone pass me a napkin and a barf-bag.

And to all those that did not make it into the top five, do not be dismayed. Though your pathetic pick-up line was not quite of the same caliber as those listed here, don't worry: you are just as much a discredit to your gender as the men who produced the lines above. But do me a favor: save your lines for the bar-scene, and let me shop for groceries in peace.